Parenting Strong-Willed & Highly Sensitive Children: Lessons in Compassion, Co-Creation, and Growth
An evening of learning, laughter, and connection with parenting coach Abigail Wald.
A Night of Connection and Clarity
We recently hosted a group of women locally to listen to a talk by Abigail Wald, an internationally known parenting coach who helps families understand and thrive with strong-willed and highly sensitive children.
It was a beautiful evening full of raw emotion — women laughed, women cried, and women found deep connection through shared experience. We listened, reflected, and learned from Abigail’s compassionate approach to parenting, one that embraces both the challenges and the profound gifts that come with raising these uniquely wired children.
Abigail helped us see that parenting strong-willed kids isn’t about changing them — it’s about transforming the way we understand and relate to them. These children aren’t here to make life harder; they’re here to invite us into growth.
1. Understanding Strong-Willed & Highly Sensitive Kids
Strong-willed children are often misunderstood. What looks like defiance or resistance is often a deep need to feel seen, safe, and respected. They have a strong sense of dignity, a rich internal world, and a nervous system that processes everything intensely.
Abigail describes these children as highly sensitive—not in a fragile way, but in a heightened way. They are observant, curious, empathetic, and intuitive. They’re built to lead, but their strength can feel overwhelming when they’re young and still learning to regulate.
She introduced us to one of her most powerful concepts: the “dignity tripwire.”
These children have an acute radar for disrespect. When they feel their dignity has been compromised — even unintentionally — they shut down or explode.
“If you hurt their dignity, you break the relationship,” Abigail explained. “Instead of trying to ‘teach a lesson,’ think: how can I honor this child right now?”
It’s not permissive parenting — it’s relational parenting. When we focus less on control and more on connection, we create the trust that allows true learning and growth to happen.
2. Parenting in Phases
Abigail framed parenting as a progression through three distinct phases, each with its own focus and challenges:
Ages 0–5: Curating the World for Your Child.
During these early years, parents act as the gatekeepers of experience. We decide who our children spend time with, what they eat, and how their world is shaped.Ages 5–13: Curating Your Child for the World.
This is when strong-willed kids often challenge us the most. Parents begin preparing their children to navigate social expectations and responsibilities. The friction of this stage is natural — it’s where children start asserting their independence and testing boundaries.Ages 13 and Beyond: Co-Creating with Your Child.
Teen years (and beyond) invite parents to shift again — from managing to mentoring, from directing to partnering.
Understanding these phases helps us calibrate expectations and recognize that what feels hard right now is part of the developmental arc toward independence.
3. The Real Work of Parenting
Abigail reminded us that parenting strong-willed children is work — not because something is wrong, but because it demands growth from us, too.
“You don’t wake up a surgeon. You train. Parenting is the same.”
This journey is about learning new skills, regulating our emotions, and showing up with steadiness even when our kids can’t. There’s no finish line — just deeper understanding and a growing ability to lead with love instead of fear.
She shared that parenting strong-willed kids often requires more self-regulation than we think possible. But every time we practice it, we’re rewiring both our nervous system and theirs.
When we see positive changes — when our child begins to soften, connect, and trust — we experience what Abigail calls the ROI of connection. That return on investment fuels us to keep going.
4. The Three Core Skills Strong-Willed Kids Need
Abigail highlighted three essential skills that every strong-willed, highly sensitive child must develop — with our guidance.
1️⃣ Frustration Tolerance
These kids often quit when things get hard or melt down when they can’t control the outcome.
Abigail compared this learning process to yoga:
“All growth happens at the yoga edge — that place where it’s just uncomfortable enough to stretch, but not so hard that you tear.”
Parenting tip:
→ Scaffold, scaffold, scaffold — then stretch.
Provide abundant support until your child can handle a small challenge independently. That’s how confidence and resilience are built.
2️⃣ Empathy
Empathy can’t be taught through guilt. It’s modeled through understanding.
Instead of “How do you think your sister feels?” try:
“That was really hard for you, wasn’t it? Let’s talk about what happened.”
Empathy grows when it’s experienced, not demanded.
3️⃣ Flexibility
Strong-willed kids need to see flexibility in us. When parents adapt calmly, we show that flexibility is safe — that changing course isn’t failure but resilience.
5. Leadership Without Force
Abigail drew a powerful distinction between force and power.
Force is loud, reactive, and rooted in control.
Power is quiet, confident, and grounded in connection.
True parental leadership doesn’t rely on punishment or intimidation — it relies on influence. When we model calm authority, our children begin to trust our leadership instead of resisting it.
6. The Cornering Into Growth Method
One of Abigail’s most transformative teachings is her concept of Cornering Into Growth — helping children choose growth because it ultimately serves them.
“Your job is to make not growing more painful than growing — then they’ll choose to grow.”
This isn’t about manipulation or punishment. It’s about setting natural conditions that allow children to see that responsibility brings freedom.
Example: The iPad Dilemma
If a child wants iPad time but refuses to do their chores, instead of demanding compliance, you might say:
“You can absolutely have your iPad once your room is picked up. You decide when that happens — it’s in your hands.”
The child learns cause and effect: growth (doing the work) leads to reward (freedom). Avoidance (not growing) leads to discomfort (no iPad). The choice remains theirs, and with it, their dignity.
This small but profound shift teaches accountability, self-regulation, and empowerment — not obedience through fear.
7. Parenting Strong-Willed and Neurodivergent Kids
Many strong-willed children are also neurodivergent — living with ADHD, autism, anxiety, or sensory sensitivities. Abigail stressed that while labels can be useful for understanding or advocacy, they don’t define the child.
“Each child’s nervous system is unique. Some children actually mainline into their parent’s nervous system — they regulate through you until they can do it on their own.”
This is why the work starts with us. When we find calm, we offer them a nervous system to borrow from. Our steadiness becomes their anchor.
8. Reframing Authority: From Control to Co-Creation
Abigail’s story of her son’s heart surgery illuminated her philosophy of co-creation — parenting as partnership.
When she was told that her unborn child would need open-heart surgery to survive, she realized her role wasn’t to control outcomes, but to walk beside him.
“This isn’t my story to write — it’s his. I’m a supporting character in his story, just as he is in mine.”
Welcome to Holland
She shared the well-known poem “Welcome to Holland,” a metaphor for parenting the child you have rather than the one you expected.
In the story, a traveler plans a trip to Italy — but the plane lands in Holland. At first, she’s devastated. Holland isn’t what she imagined. But slowly, she discovers its quiet beauty — tulips, windmills, art. It’s not Italy, but it’s still wonderful.
The message is simple but profound:
We must stop waiting for Italy and start embracing Holland.
When we release our expectations, we make space for joy, beauty, and connection in the life we’ve actually been given.
“Sometimes the story waiting for you is better than the one you planned.” – Abigail Wald
9. Everyday Applications: From Juice Boxes to Big Emotions
Perhaps the most practical takeaway of the night was Abigail’s philosophy of “Parent for tomorrow, not just today.”
She explained that parents often say, “I don’t have the energy to be patient right now.”
Her response?
“You’ll spend the energy either way — being patient now or fighting later. You’re going to spend it. The only question is where.”
This idea hit home for many of us.
When we react out of exhaustion, we might get through the moment, but we pay for it later — in guilt, in conflict, and in repair. When we slow down and lead with foresight, we spend the same energy, but it becomes an investment instead of a penalty.
The Juice Box Example
A mother in the group shared a story about her child melting down at church over a juice box. Abigail smiled and said, “You knew this would happen. Why act surprised?”
She explained that parenting strong-willed kids requires preparation, not reaction.
Instead of battling in public, plan for the pattern:
Make apple juice together at home before church.
Offer the juice as part of a value-aligned deal (“after lunch” or “after protein”).
The point isn’t about juice — it’s about strategy.
You can either fight for control or build systems that honor your child’s needs and your values. Both take effort — but only one builds connection.
Parent for tomorrow means leading from foresight, not fatigue.
10. Letting Go of Expectations and Embracing Growth
Strong-willed kids push us to release control — over them, over outcomes, and even over the idea of what “good parenting” looks like.
Abigail said something that stayed with me:
“Our strong-willed kids are here to innovate — and their first project is us.”
When we surrender the illusion of control, we begin to co-evolve with them. Parenting becomes not about perfection, but about partnership.
11. The Power of Community and the Work of Parenting
As the evening came to a close, one truth echoed around the room: none of us are alone.
Many women shared their stories — tears, exhaustion, and breakthroughs. It was deeply comforting to realize that parents everywhere are walking this same road.
Abigail reminded us that raising strong-willed children is Olympic-level work.
She compared it to driving an Alfa Romeo — a beautiful, high-performance car that demands more care and attention than most.
“You’re driving an Alfa Romeo,” she said with a smile. “Don’t expect it to behave like a minivan.”
Parenting these children requires more time, energy, and patience — but the rewards are immense. They teach us empathy, creativity, and courage. They force us to grow right alongside them.
And perhaps most importantly, Abigail emphasized that parents need support — real, practical, values-aligned support that meets them where they are. Because parenting strong-willed kids isn’t something you do alone. It’s something we learn — together.
Key Takeaways & Practical Reminders
🌿 Mindset Shifts
See strong will as strength, not defiance.
Focus on connection before correction.
Remember: you and your child are on the same team.
🧠 Strategies
Scaffold, stretch, and celebrate growth.
Parent for tomorrow, not today — invest your energy wisely.
Lead with empathy, not fear.
Model the flexibility and regulation you want your child to learn.
💛 Emotional Anchors
You are not alone.
Every child’s story — and every parent’s journey — is unique.
The story waiting for you is better than the one you planned.
Learn More from Abigail Wald
Abigail Wald is the founder of Mother Flipping Awesome, where she offers one-on-one and group coaching for parents of strong-willed and highly sensitive children.
For over 12 years, she has worked with families in more than 16 countries, helping parents transform chaos into connection — one moment at a time.
📍 Learn more or book a session: www.motherflippingawesome.com
